Wednesday, February 6
Day 23


I have a calendar showing our journey since January 14.  A physician suggested I keep it handy and show it to John often to help  keep him oriented to our progress.  Just to review the main events:

     January 14    John has a Type A Aortic  Dissection starting with extreme pain at 5 pm at home
                         Ambulance comes; determines it probably isn't his heart; transported to local ED
                         Pain and anti-nausea; eventual diagnosis of dissection requiring airlift and immediate surgery
     January 15   John in surgery for aortic resection with dacron graft till almost noon, then to ICU
                         Natasha and Jeremy arrive near 5 am; Karissa flies in by 9 am
     January 16   Transfer to Step Down Unit
     January 18   Back to ICU due to infection and decreasing kidney function  
     January 20   Surgery again for washout
     January 21   Big surgery for flap to form barrier to protect graft
     January 22   All cultures positive; infection in chest cavity and on graft...bad news
     January 22-31  ICU; dialysis, antibiotics, pain meds; finally back to Step Down Unit
     February 1   White blood count diminishing; slight improvement about every other day; tube feeding
     February 2   Two of the four chest tubes out
     February 3   Chest port for better dialysis site
     February 4   Bad day with way too many interventions:  dialysis, two different CT scans, wound change
     February 5   Best day yet with more alertness and clear thinking; worst part is npo (nothing by mouth)
     February 6   Dialysis Monday, Wednesday, Friday -- always a set-back; so thirsty

People have been praying the world over; whole churches of people.  I went to Central Church here in St.Louis on Sabbath with  Angela (the pastor's wife) and they prayed for John and for me.  That's so touching.  That church has also brought me delicious food.  We are seeing a very slow improvement but John has been through so very much that he is terribly weak and debilitated and it will be hard work to get well. 

Let me share some feelings:  I've been scared to death that he will die.  I mean, he's been the love of my life for 35 years and it would be desperately lonely without him.  On the other hand, I've felt afraid that he will LIVE.  I mean, what kind of quality of life will he have after all this trauma?  Maybe this is hard for you to understand.  Like our surgeon explained to me one day, there are three types of families that he sees in the ICU:  1)  those who get hysterical with the prospect of their loved one dying, 2) those who want them kept alive at any cost, and 3) those who are hopeful but also accepting of the reality of the situation.  He said he could see it in our eyes that we are part of the third group--with the healthiest reactions to what is.

Writing this makes me cry...since as you can imagine this has been excruciatingly difficult for all of us.  But though we weep and grieve for what John may have lost, we also have a deep and abiding trust that His heavenly Father knows what is best for John.  Most moments, we are strong in that trust; but there are fearful moments, too, as I think about our future.  And that's why I hardly consider the future because it is frightful.  But moment by moment I can handle. 

I'm probably reflective right now cause John has been on dialysis for about 3 hours now and it isn't fun and he doesn't feel good.  Of course, he hasn't felt good for 24 days now!  We will feel better when we get back to our room.  I'm also have lots of strong feelings today because after a very good and up day yesterday, today is not as good.  I did realize, however, that now his better days are about every other day and that is an improvement over when his good days were about every three days and before that, there were NO good days.

It's also a blessing that I have been so well taken care of through these 24 days.  People  have marveled at how I have asked for the help I need, maintained a good routine, eaten good food, gotten my rest, kept up my walking, cried when I needed to, and kept as cheerful as possible.  There have been sad times and scary times but they have been separated by good and hopeful times, too. 

Maybe this is all too "sappy" for my blog.  But this is my life right now, it is my reality, though at times I can hardly fathom that this is what is.  Those of you who love and care for me will want to know how I feel.

Thanks for listening....thank you for "following" and thank you for your encouraging words, prayers, and support.  Here's a picture of Karissa and Winston and I as we visited the zoo one day for some diversion.