Tuesday, February 12
Day 30

How can a day have so many peaks and valleys?  It started out as a difficult day because John took his walk early this morning before breakfast, and in his words, "That took it all out of me."  He had a little breakfast but not enough energy to really eat up as he needs to and then slept the whole morning.

I had talked to a good friend of mine on the phone, who is also going through a tough time with her sick husband. Having read Joshua 1:9 to John this morning, I shared it with her, "Have not I commanded you, be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid  neither be thou dismayed for the Lord they God is with you."  We also talked about "Giving thanks in everything" and accepting what is.   

But, before the morning was past, I was the one discouraged, fearful, complaining, and certainly NOT giving thanks.  Easy to preach it, harder to live it! 

Specifically, the doctor had been in to say that John could go to acute rehab as soon as a bed was available.  Well, that's good.  To me, that sounds like SOON.  Then I talked to the social worker who works on arranging for the right place, contacting our insurance, and all those details.  SHE said, he would be ready to go Friday or Monday, and whether he goes to acute or sub-acute is still being decided by the insurance company.  Really?  SO, which is it?  I was confused and dismayed and just generally MAD.  I was MAD with all the delays, MAD with the conflicting information, MAD with John for being so weak both yesterday and now again today.  This waiting game is for the birds...I mean, this is day 30!

Time to eat my own words:  be strong, don't be afraid, be thankful for everything....

I ate lunch, tried to help John eat his, but he still didn't have much strength to eat.  What I needed was a break....so decided to go back to the Lodge for some comfort and some MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ice cream!  While I was eating it, a young family was there with a squally baby just three months old.  They said she had colic and that a nurse at the hospital had suggested chamomile tea.  Well, I said, I have some.  So I made it, cooled it, and they let me hold her.  She just guzzled that tea right down.  Eventually I was able to get her to sleep.  It was a very pleasant distraction from my feelings of anger and frustration.  In my room, I took a good nap and walked back to the hospital feeling refreshed and ready to face the late afternoon.

John was more awake when I returned.  I was able to almost finish cutting his hair and trimming his beard.  After that he asked for us to sing some songs together, choosing "Beautiful Valley of Eden," a very old song!  I found the words on line and sang it, then sang along with some YouTube videos he likes, "All in All" and "How great is our God".  We were just getting ready to watch some funny you tube videos, since laughing is good medicine, when in walks Dean Coridan, John's Conference President.  We just finished a wonderful visit with him and we were so blessed.  He laid it on the line that John had better focus on 1) keeping his relationship with the Lord in focus; 2) keeping his family strong and intact; and 3) gaining his strength back.  If John appears to be getting involved  too quick, Dean will nip it in the bud.  Good counsel from a wise man!  We all know that too much too soon will be totally counterproductive.  Dean was also emphatic that once we are ready to start ministry again, that is the time to take another month off for vacation to really solidity John's healing and stamina.  Interesting!  John said he was looking forward to a good vacation with me.  We can picture it already...walking some beautiful beach, swimming in the waves, soaking up the rays.  Right now, that seems a long way off...since John cannot even get up out of a chair yet!

So, as low as we were at one point today, we have ended it well.  John was able to eat a good supper and now he is ready to be put to bed and watch some TV....really?!  That's progress....that's the FIRST time I have heard him say that since we've been here. 

And me, I am feeling considerably  more courageous and a whole lot less fearful, and I'm definitely not mad anymore....praise God!  It's hard to put all this out there but once again, this is my reality.

Regina has been his night nurse pretty consistently lately.  Just now, she told me that when she comes into this room, she feels that John is a person who is special to God.  Last night, she told John that she sees her purpose as blessing him, though she had already been feeling that for several days and definitely already had been blessing him!  He's gotten better, she can see, and she encourages him that he is going to completely leave all this behind him.  She and Danae, his day nurse, are taking out his DoBhoff Feeding Tube right now, such great news!  Bless you, Regina.

Tomorrow, my plan is to post a picture of John without his feeding tube.  He looks so much better....